I Can't Come To Work Today Because I'm... Afraid

Edited to add: (not a very delicate thing, but...) This morning I went to throw a tissue in the toilet. As I approached, the lid was closed, which is a bit unusual. (The BigDog has to have SOMEWHERE to drink from ya know!) Any way, when I lifted the lid, guess what I saw? Yep, another one of "those creatures" - it's that time of year in Texas I guess - floating in the bowl. I commented to Studly that I'd seen it, and he said, "Well, I TRIED to save you from it. I guess he's a good swimmer." Yes, Studly is my hero. He did TRY...

It isn't every day I find myself scared senseless... at work. Okay, it is, but not usually for the reason I was the other day.

The work day before had been interesting. The last patient of the day, a man who is "cute in a 'bad boy' sort of way" according to my deranged boss, apparently didn't think we had anything else to do after 5:00 except, you know, hang out at the office while he chatted up his buds on the cell (in spite of the fact that there is a sign on the door asking people to PUH-LEEEZE turn their cell phones off while in the office). Um, hello? We CLOSE at 5:00, and we'd like to GO HOME! Mr. BadBoy hadn't even started his new patient paperwork when the nurse went to check on him at 5:20. (His appointment was at 4:00.) He seemed a little startled by her offer to help him and responded by saying, "Oh, do you need this room?" Um, yeah. We NEED this room to be EMPTY! Hang up that phone and get busy, buddy.

After he made his way to the front desk to check out, he took two.more.calls.on.his.cell. Oh, yes he did. It never ceases to amaze me a) how selfish and entitled people can be these days; b) how awful some people's cell phone manners are; and c) how much I want to slap some sense into people from time to time. That was a big 'ole rabbit trail, but my, I feel better!

Anywho, I arrived at the office with the memories of the previous day still fresh. I went into my office and put down my purse and cell phone, got a ginormous cup of coffee (my coworkers call my coffee cup the "foot bath" because it is so big) and sat down at my desk, ready to dive in to the day's work. I opened the center drawer and reached in to get a pen.

And then it happened.

It happened so quickly. There was no time to prepare.

As I reached into the drawer

a

LIZARD

ran

across

my

hand

and scurried toward the back of the drawer.

I slammed the drawer shut (almost catching my fingers), squealed loud enough to be heard in Tibet, and ran screaming from the building to the front office. My boss was in surgery, and the nurse had gone over to the hospital to visit a postop patient, so I was all alone.

Just me and my lizard.

So I did what any brave girl would do. I called my husband.

He laughed at me. Oh, yes. Yes, he did.

He said (in words that sounded strangely like "what-do-you-want-ME-to-do-about-it") that it probably wasn't the end of the world and that he thought I'd be okay. I made a mental note to run him over with my car not count on him to bail me out since he was, you know, 15 miles away. Realizing he was far too busy with real issues to listen to my ranting, I mercifully cut him loose and decided to call someone who could actually come to my rescue.

You see, I don't like things that creep or crawl, except perhaps tiny humans who have not yet learned to walk in the full, upright position. I don't even like to see pictures of them. My other coworker (who wasn't working that day) asked me if I was going to post some witty photo link of my pet lizard. Um, no. 'Cuz that would mean having to actually LOOK AT PICTURES OF LIZARDS, and hello? I don't do that. So use your imagination if you really need a picture. I can't tell you exactly how big he was because I was so busy running away, but suffice it to say it was about 900 feet long and 52 feet wide. You get the idea.

After speaking to Mr. NoCanHelpYou Studly Man, I got the brilliant idea to call the building maintenance guys. I told Elaine, the very sympathetic woman who answered the phone and confirmed that I am NOT a wimp, that I'd just wait for the fellas to come down. They did. An hour later.

They were dressed like this. One of them had a contraption that resembled a canister vacuum strapped to his back. And the search began.

Unfortunately, no lizard was found.

He is at large.

In my office.

Somewhere.


I can't come to work today because I'm... afraid.