Feb 2, 2009

Ma and Pa Kettle Go To Costco


It's a wonderful thing.

Everyone should go to Costco. At least once.

My mom and dad had never been to Costco. Until today. Oh, they'd been to Sam's Club many times. But Costco? Never.

AND they'd never had LUNCH at Costco.

I had to fix that. 'Cuz if you've never had a Hebrew National all beef hot dog and a 20 oz Diet Coke - with refill - at Costco all for the low, low price of $1.50, you have. not. lived.


Studly Man and I decided Ma and Pa needed an adventure. Adventures require fuel. Fuel consists of food.

We ate hot dogs.

And drank Diet Coke.

We could have gone home after that, and my day would have been complete.

But in the interest of stretching our adventure, we went shopping.

At Costco.

Now Ma had both of her knees replaced a few years back. She's doin' great and gets around fine, but we thought the motorized cart would serve her well since the warehouse is so big and all. That, and she just looks so cute drivin' one.

Not to be outdone, Pa got a cart, too. See, he NEEDS to have a knee or two replaced, but he ain't interested. Since he'll be 79 next month, we figured a motorized cart would be okay for him, too. That, and he just looks so cute drivin' one.

Before we actually moved into the actual official shopping area, I laid down the law. No racin', no honkin', no cart bumpin'.


Off we went.

We looked at flat screen TVs. (They've got a GORGEOUS 46" Sony for the bargain price of $1,799. I'll take two, please.) We looked at computer stuff. We contemplated the at-home keg because who doesn't need a new one of those? We looked at the car covers because you never know when the need for one might arise. We looked at toasters. Pa bought Ma a new one recently, and he wanted to make sure he'd gotten a good deal.

And then we arrived at the bakery. We salivated and contemplated, but since we were so full from those Hebrew National all beef hot dogs we'd just eaten, we passed on dessert.

But then...

Then it happened. We came upon the butcher shop. It was a thing to behold, that Ma of mine comparison price shopping. Now let me tell you. My Ma can comparison price shop you right under the table. She can smell a deal. Pa? He can smell the deal once she's home cookin' it, so he followed (somewhat) quietly behind her and occasionally sipped on his Diet Coke after retrieving it from the basket of his chariot.

Ma was wowed by the vast array of choices.
There was a cart traffic jam, but that didn't stop Ma from doing her work. She sweetly smiled at that pushy broad nice lady who refused to yield right-of-way at the salmon section and went methodically on about her business.

Next, we motored on over to the cleaning and laundry supplies. Ma had never seen a box of laundry detergent that was bigger than her kitchen table. She was impressed! Studly went over to help lift it off the shelf, because everyone knows you need a box of laundry detergent bigger than the kitchen table. Pa dutifully watched and waited and sipped Diet Coke while guarding the 5,700 rolls of Charmain Ultra Ma had procured a moment earlier. Good deals, y'all. Good deals.
Ma and Pa and I strolled/drove leisurely up and down the aisles to survey the inventory in the awesomeness that is Costco. I realized after a while I hadn't seen Studly for lo unto a half an hour or more.

And then I turned the corner.

And there he was... relaxing in a comfy glider/recliner and eating ice cream he'd lifted from the sample lady. He was so cute sittin' there I would have bought him that recliner if only I'd had an extra $299.99.
We price checked 87 gallon drums of olives and a 200-pack of yogurt cups. We passed the four gallon jugs of mayonnaise and the packages of spaghetti large enough to feed Minneapolis. At last we came to the pharmacy section. That's where things got ugly.

Did you know that THREE senior citizens riding motorized carts, TWO very busy and important ladies with regular carts, one slightly disoriented son-in-law, and a frenzied daughter don't fit well in one skinny little pharmacy aisle? Well, we found out.

I instructed my drivers to back up, retreat, turn around, and go the other way.

You have never heard such beeping and honking in your entire life! Pa went left. Ma went right. I went straight and pretended I'd never seen them before. It was chaos.

We were finally reunited, and just as we approached the coveted check-out lines, Pa said, "So, where's all the candy?" (He knew we'd bought Costco candy by the truck load for the kids we minister to in prison.) I pointed that direction, and off he went.

Studly excused himself to the necessary room (lotsa Diet Coke, ya know). Ma got in line with her cart behind me with mine. I paid for my items, and then....

it was Ma's turn.

But there was no Pa.

And HE had all their treasures in HIS basket.

Thankfully Studly emerged from his side trip, and I sent him to find Pa because causing unnecessary wait time in the check out line at Costco? NOT a good idea.

When no further damage could be done to Costco or her patrons, Ma paid as Pa drove by with their goods.

And all I could do was stand to the side and take pictures. And laugh.

Because they just look so cute...


Anonymous said...

We loved the "tour", the BLOG, the pics....but MOSTLY, THE COMPANY!!!

Love ya,
Paw (chief driver and beeper!!!)

Anonymous said...

Loved your story and the photos!! Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, We sure enjoyed that, felt like we were there. We have been with Jackie a few times and I know how they felt. Never seen so much "stuff" in my life. Thanks for sharing. Peggy

Anonymous said...

Oh my... there are tears in my eyes and my sides are splitting open. What a hoot!!!

Love you, Les and your McQueen-esque Mom & Dad!


Paula (SweetPea) said...

They are absolutely cute. I love your story-telling ability too. You shared this with such humor it was great!

what a great day...in just a simple way. (I'm a poet and didn't know it too.)

When I began reading this I was so hoping you would share a picture of them. You shared lots of them and they were great. Your last comment about just standing around, taking pictures, and laughing was funny.

The Fires said...

Another excellent, play by play story; it was just like we were there! Alan and Jake were reading over my shoulder and we were all laughing. Thanks for sharing another family adventure. I especially liked Les's retreat to the recliner with ice cream...it's so like him! I'll add that picture to my family album! Love you all!

Anonymous said...

too funny. you should write for a living. i'd buy.