Ponderings

So much has changed since I was last here. Studly Man still hasn't yet found his "niche" in the marketplace, and we're a year further out from the egg donor IVF idea and Studly's last paycheck. I've taken (and passed) all but one of the necessary medical tests to do the IVF. The last one can be scheduled at any time.

But that burning question remains.... does God have other plans for us?

It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me to take most of our savings to try to get pregnant when there is no solid source of income right now other than my own. IF it worked and I were to have complications (gee... age 46, some medical challenges like antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, hypothyroidism, and migraines - there's a good chance) and I either get put in the hospital or on bed rest, how would we pay the mortgage? No insurer will underwrite disability insurance that includes complications of pregnancy on a 46-year-old. I checked. Nada. We'd be in a precarious situation financially.

Then the question becomes, "Don't you trust God to provide?" Of course I do. We do. But that very same God Who provides for our every need also gave us wisdom and sound minds (okay, okay... semi-sound minds), and I'm having a hard time finding wisdom in potentially putting ourselves in the poor house to force a high-risk pregnancy.

And then there's the peace thing. Somehow over the past several months I've noticed this interesting new peace creeping into my not-so-fragile-as-it-once-was heart. Can I visualize growing old with Studly Man sans kids? Yes. Can I see us being happy that way? Absolutely! Our lives are so full and so blessed, and I can't say I'd feel incomplete if there were never to be any children. I recognize that as a gift from God. I know many women who have struggled with infertility and have carried a great lifelong sadness over the crib that was never filled. I also know a few women who were paralyzed by the empty crib. Would God want me rendered ineffectual in His kingdom because I don't have a child? I think not! Then doesn't it stand to reason He would give me peace about not having children so that He can still use me?

And what if we DO deplete our savings and no pregnancy results? That would make me mad, 'cuz really. Does anyone WANT to just toss away thousands of dollars?

Many issues. Many issues, indeed. Yet I'm not worried. My biggest concern is how Studly feels about all this. His peace matters, too. And at almost 54 and still job hunting, he doesn't need the added stress of having to make a "slug of money" as he calls it to refill the coffers emptied by IVF.

There's always adoption. We're not opposed to the idea, but haven't really spent much time focusing on it either. Studly Man's sister has adopted four gorgeous, sweet, loving little people, and the experience has been wonderful each time. Dear friends have adopted three with similar results. Wonderful adoption stories abound. We just haven't gone there in our thinking (or discussion) yet. Pregnancy seemed like such a good idea.....